So I’m reading this book: Change or Die, by Alan Deutschman. Seriously. It’s called Change or Die.
It says that fear is not actually a motivating principle for real change. It says that knowledge isn’t either.
Clearly, I need to get past chapter 1.
I have always been anxious.
I remember turning red in elementary school before having to do presentations. Shoving my face in my father’s armpit to hide from servers who tried to ask me what I wanted to eat at restaurants. Arguing with my brother about who would call for pizza because we were both too scared to talk to strangers. Running to my classes in middle school because I was terrified of being late. Saying no to drugs, not because I knew it was the right thing to do, but because I was petrified of getting arrested, addicted, or even worse – disappointing my parents. I remember writing notes to boys who I couldn’t bare to address in person. Faking sick so I could have an extra day to finish an assignment or study for a test because the thought of failing made my stomach turn. And I remember writing journal entries and song lyrics that I kept secret for decades because I was too afraid to let anyone know how I was actually feeling.
Now that I’m older and have survived so many of these traumatic experiences, I usually can get at least halfway through a presentation before turning red. I’m sure I address servers more than they’d prefer. I hardly ever rush when I am on time anymore… only when I am late (which is 50% of the time). I have managed to disappoint my parents without the help of drugs, and became addicted to things that might actually be worse for me. I still write boys notes… but that’s usually only after I have yelled/cried/made a mixed CD that expressed my feelings/talked to them at length. I can turn in assignments I complete at the last minute (often without proofreading) that in 9th grade, I would have been ashamed of. And I have managed to not only share words through public forums, published pieces, and original songwriting, but I now get people telling me that maybe I should keep more of my thoughts to myself.
But over the last three years, my anxiety has found a new way to manifest itself: somatically.
After a lazy new years morning game of “what exactly happened last night?” with close friends, I decided that it was time for me to be a real person. This involved trading the f*ck me boots for flats and driving to a lunch meeting. Who schedules a lunch meeting on new years day, you ask? Someone who loves her second job. But more about that later. This is more important.
The sun was out as I walked towards my car
parked on the street a mere two blocks far.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear…
I wish I was going to their NYE party…
Zooey Deschanel is probably my #1 Lady Crush right now. She is super talented. Funny as shit. Sexy. Great actor. Phenomenal singer. And she helped found this awesome website HelloGiggles that I will now become addicted to.
She represents a lot of things that I want to be do.
So let’s keep my New Years resolutions simple:
- Find Balance.
- Copy Zooey.
Wish me luck!
The plus one and I were invited to a psychic group reading tonight.
Yes. I said psychic group reading. Stop laughing.
I’m serious. Stop it.
Despite a muddled history of spiritual, religious, philosophical, and scientific beliefs, neither the plus one nor I had ever actually talked to a psychic before. Personally, I kind of liked keeping the New Age stuff at a distance… because if I didn’t really research it, then I wouldn’t have proof that it wasn’t real.
… I like believing in things.
But anyway. We decided to go. That it would be fun. I mean, the host was serving booze and munchies.
Wow, Common. Way to have a mid-life crisis.
… glad I’m not the only one.
It’s true what they say about psychologists. Almost all of us went into the field because we wanted to fix something.
Maybe the codependent friends we somehow ended up with. Or that bad relationship we seem to keep repeating. The broken family we grew up in. That shitty school we went to. Or even society’s view of… anything everything.
All I know is that we weren’t pleased with whatever it was, and that we wanted to change it. That somehow, having letters after our name would make us more qualified to change it.
We never seem to be able to admit that what we really need to change is ourselves. We’d much rather dedicate our time, energy, and money learning how to help change others others change.
I am now in my 7th year of studying some sort of psychology, and only now do I see that I have been hungry for solutions to my own problems – not everyone else’s.
Maybe I thought that by facilitating enough positive change/growth in others, I would experience it myself as well… like through osmosis. Maybe I thought that training to become a psychologist would save me the trouble of having to get one. Maybe I thought that the people in my life would be more willing to work with me if they thought I was some sort of an expert.
… maybe I thought I would be more willing to work with myself if I thought I was some sort of an expert.
